To be completely honest with you guys..this is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Last week I cried myself to sleep at least 4 times. I guess didn’t realize how much of a culture shock it would be for me. Although I have traveled to other countries, I have never traveled completely alone. In those other countries, I had the comfort of knowing someone or finding someone on my mission team to connect with and staying with them the majority of the time. Here, I couldn’t connect with anyone because I could barely communicate with them. I felt like I was thrown into an entirely different world, severely unprepared, with a bunch of strangers who did not care about me. In my place of work, I felt incompetent, unworthy, and like a waste of space. I felt as if I should not actually be here and that this might have been a mistake. However, I’ve come to know that these thoughts couldn’t be further from the truth. Satan was lying to me. And I see how easy it is for Satan to grab hold my thoughts and tell me the exact opposite of God’s truth.
I had to remember that God does not call the equipped. He equips the called. He wouldn’t call me to a place like this to just leave me to fend for myself. Those nights that I was bawling my eyes out, having very defeated thoughts, and feeling more alone than ever, God was there with me the entire time. On one of my hardest days, my dad told me to read Philippians 4:6-8 which says, “Do not worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Make your requests known to God and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything that we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus”. When I tell y’all that right in that moment, I started asking God for strength, guidance, patience, and reassurance, He gave it to me. I had to step outside of my emotions and remember to thank Him for everything that He has done, is doing, and will do. His plans for us are ALWAYS good. It was in His plans for me to come to Bolivia way before I was even born, and I needed to rest in that truth. Of course I’m going to struggle and faces many challenges while I’m here. How else am I going to grow?? How else am I supposed to become the woman He wants me to be?? How else am I going to strengthen my relationship with the One who loves me unconditionally?? Struggling and being uncomfortable is apart of the journey, but it will only benefit us in the end. IF we choose to embrace it.
On that last night when I was drowning in self-doubt , the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs that I hadn’t heard in a year randomly popped into my head:
“I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open”
Even in the struggle. Even in the midst of doubt, frustration, and confusion. Even while I climb this insanely large mountain.. My hands are wide open giving Him all the praise and glory. I choose to trust in His goodness, His truth, and His love despite what the world throws at me.
With that being said, I have chosen to open my eyes and heart to the opportunities that are in front of me regardless of how hard it may seem. With the help of my boss’s step-daughter, who I have come to build a connection with, I have found an outdoor volleyball league to be apart of. I am interacting more and more with my coworkers and the patients despite my fear of butchering the Spanish language. I finished my first week of Spanish classes and am feeling more confident in my ability. I can feel myself actually learning and absorbing what I’m being taught and it feels sooo good. Anddd I have finally moved in with my host family!!! I am so excited to get to know them more as individuals and be apart of their family.
I have no pictures for you guys, but within the next couple of weeks I will be making sure to take pictures of the city, my new family, and of course the food. Thank you guys for spending time to read about my journey. This is another way I feel less alone 🙂
With so much love, Sun
by the way, the name to that song is Nothing I Hold Onto by Will Reagan. give it a listen!